As you read this, I know that you are going through some very dark times. That first relationship you had taught you two things: feeling guilty about your sexuality and insecurity because if someone is inconsistent in their affections it is due to your lack of maturity. Unfortunately, it’s going to take you a long time to unlearn it. And let me tell you something, you don’t deserve to be humiliated or punished for feeling what you feel, much less because another person can’t accept what he’s doing.
On the other hand, your family is going to do the best they can with the tools they have, which means you’re going to an addiction rehab retreat with them so you can work through your sexual orientation before they can move toward acceptance. . You will also go with two people who practice psychotherapy without being therapists or psychologists. They will reinforce the guilt you feel for letting your father down for who you are.
All this is going to lead you to question many things, including whether you will ever be able to have a romantic relationship with someone or if you will simply spend your life alone. You will also pay excessive attention to how you dress, how you walk, how you talk, and you will even ask how to wear yourself. chapstick “as a man”. Of course, knowing how the world views people like you is not encouraging. Your survival instinct will make you seek to be as “masculine” as possible, even when exploring your identity.
And what do you think? In your twenties you’re going to paint your nails, wear colorful clothes with prints of “girly” characters that you’re embarrassed to admit you like right now. You are going to wear shorts, skirts and jewelry that will make you like your body more and more. Little by little you will discover that several of your friends accepted that part of you even though you did not express it. Your family will become your ally and, over time, what you hide from yourself will lead you to be successful, recognized and happy.
Many other things will happen in your life over the next few years and they will all be challenges and lessons that you will overcome by reinforcing your identity and building a support network with people who are compatible with you.
At age 28, you’ll start a relationship with your partner for the next nine years and the first person you’ll meet who identifies as “polyamorous.” And although I know that when you read it you assure that you would never be in a relationship like this, this will be the second moment of your life in which you are going to be with someone who is going to love those parts of you that you have not been able to accept, much less want. .
The next part of you that you are going to explore with more compassion is your neurodivergence. Throughout your life you have dealt with social conventions that confuse you and lead you to live in very uncomfortable moments. Especially since, by expressing them, the people around you will assume that you are just being a “clown”. This person is going to see beyond that and decide to accompany you and teach you strategies that no one had taken the time to show you, mostly because it never occurred to anyone that you needed it. nor to you
Until that moment, you have lived with the idea that growing up hurts. With this person you will build a very loving bond of complicity that will allow you to grow together in joy. You will explore your sexuality from your pleasure, which will require facing the shame that you learned in your first relationships; however this person is also going to be your partner in that. He will walk with you patiently, holding your hand and stopping whenever you need to, without anger or reproach.
I know what you’re thinking because you’re going to think about it many times before this moment: if you fall in love with someone else it’s because you don’t love the person you’re with. However, you will realize that it is not the first time that it has happened to you, it is just that it is the first time that you are going to allow yourself to feel it. In your other relationships you will meet people who rock you, but you will decide to end the interaction long before anything could happen for fear of what that might mean.
With this partner, you will be able to find that last part of your identity (so far) that will allow you to feel more comfortable with yourself. In that relationship you will meet another wonderful person with whom you will be three years, who will help you accept how you want to see yourself and will be one of the most important triggers for you to decide to start a project to share your experience on social networks.
All this work, all those experiences and all those relationships will have helped you find yourself and you will have the need and the desire to share it with the world.
Spoilers: The world is going to receive it very well.
Jaime teenager, many very intense adventures are coming and there is much to discover about you. But I repeat what I said at the beginning, here I am and you will be too.