Having a partner is complicated and this statement seems to be a universal truth. We are not talking about the fact that flirting in times of social networks is an almost impossible task, nor about the secret of happiness as a couple (spoilers, is not love). We talked about the fact that there are people who come across our lives and the further away they are, the better.
That our partner is narcissistic and that they try to make us love bombing It’s not the only bad thing. The worst thing is that when we finally get rid of that relationship, the hoovering. We tell you what it consists of and why it doesn’t let you move on with your life.
what is the hoovering
It is also known as the ‘vacuum cleaner technique’, a literal translation from English where hoover means to aspire or vacuum. He hoovering It is a classic technique of narcissistic people in which your ex-partner tries to get you back. in a toxic relationship
Let’s take an example to understand it. After following the tips to get over a break up, you have kept zero contact to the letter with your ex. You leave the gym after training hard and you have agreed to have some wine with some friends. You are at home so calmly getting ready and your cell phone rings. It’s a whatsapp. You think it’s your friend telling you that she’s late like always but surprise, it’s An I miss you” of your ex’s cockroach. Seeing it makes your stomach flip.
How to know if you are suffering hoovering
According to the psychologist Marta Martínez Novoa, a specialist in couple relationships, in her book Let it be good love. Why affective responsibility is key in your relationships, the person with Narcissistic personality patterns express those feelings towards you “in a very believable way, but with emotional manipulation techniques to make you feel a connection again.”
Let it be good love: Why affective responsibility is key in your relationships (Self-help and improvement)
Sílvia Congost, psychologist expert in relationships and author of Toxic people. How to identify them and free yourself from narcissists forever, explains the modus operandi of this type of technique. Not only do they tell us that they miss us and throw away beautiful memories, but they try to manipulate us with victimizing statements such as that life without you has no meaning.
Toxic people: How to identify them and get rid of narcissists forever (Self-help and improvement)
They can also try to talk to our environment to let them know that they miss us and that the message reaches you and even make false threats or engage in self-injurious behavior. Everything to try to regain your attention and seek a reconciliation with you.
He does it on specific dates (Christmas, your birthday, Valentine’s Day…) that he uses as an excuse, reminding you of the good times lived, even acting as if the toxic relationship between you it had not existed, as if nothing had happened. In a casual way. He can also ask you for help in bad times in which he appeals to your good faith (illnesses, family losses…) and makes you promises and gifts as well as telling you all those nice things that when you were together, you didn’t even hear from him.
Be careful with this type of behavior because it can even appear by “surprise” at the door of the house, when leaving work or in that bar where you have met your friends, as Marta Martínez Novoa explains in her book, with the intention of catching you off guard and trying to remind you of feelings so you don’t turn the page.
How to get rid of someone who makes you hoovering
If you are being hoovered, there will be a time when you may even consider going back to your ex-partner. Easy trick: write a note on your mobile in which you describe everything he did to you, the suffering he caused you and the reasons why being with someone that toxic is bad for you. Write what were the reasons for leaving that person. When in doubt, reread your past self and listen to yourself. Staying away from that person is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for your present and future happiness.because friend, realize: good love is the love that does not make you suffer.
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Photos | Volodymyr Hryshchenko, Noah Silliman and Maliha Mannan in Unsplash