Unfortunately, our glossary of terms referring to toxic behaviors continues to grow. The dictionary that began with the famous ghostingis now full of abusive practices and manipulative behavior such as love bombing or the catch and release which we have already told you about.
This time we are going to tell you what does the cushioninga term that refers to toxic behavior that your partner might be doing without you knowing and that we are going to help you identify.
what is the cushioning
The term cushioning It comes from the English word “cushion”, which means cushion. So, he cushioning is to have “reserve partners” in case the current relationship does not work out. Each one of the “reserves” or “cushions”, with literally a cushion to cushion the break so that you are not left alone when it happens. What has been known all my life as “having a plan B”.
It is not something recent, it is a practice that has been with us for years and that has been reflected in scientific studies such as this by researchers Jayson Dibble, Narissra Punyanunt-Carter, and Michelle Drouinwhich revealed that 56% of those surveyed with a stable partner had a reserve partner.
And the studies continue, because in this survey carried out by One Poll carried out on a thousand women, half said they had a “reserve partner”, and one in four assured that their current partner knew their cushion, although without knowing that it was. The reason why so many women do it could have to do with our past, as reported by David Buss in this work on evolutionary psychology for the University of Texas. In it, he explains that at an evolutionary level, women have been “programmed” since prehistoric times to have reserve males in case their partner gets sick or dies and thus ensure offspring.
Evidently It is not something applicable to current life, nor is it a valid argument to make cushioning. To this day, this behavior is only your partner’s excuse for not closing the door to other relationships, and one more demonstration of the lack of affective responsibility that exists in pairs.
The way to keep that plan B alive, could be social networks or text messages for example, that they keep the door open for that third person with he benching (I don’t want to be with you right now, but it could be something that happens in the future). Technology and social networks have facilitated the practice of cushioning more easily today and that we can flirt with whoever we like without our partner knowing, something similar to cookie jarring.
why we do cushioning
The answer to why these reserve pairs are maintained and the cushioning It may be the fear of being left alone (eremophobia in some cases), or simply that whoever does it feeds her ego by arousing interest in other people, is afraid of commitment or is not as committed to her current partner as it seems.
The sociologist Zygmunt Bauman explained in his book liquid modernity that in “contemporary society the greatest importance lies in the almost immediate satisfaction of needs, a vision focused on the here and now, in which relationships with a low level of commitment stand out”. The truth is This practice is not only selfish, it is also unfair because the current couple does not know what their partner is doing. cushioning.
As with this type of practice, the cushioning It only works for those who practice it and both the current couple and the cushionsThey suffer the consequences.
How do I know if I am being a victim of cushioning
I know that throughout my life I have suffered this practice in two directions, that of being a person’s plan B, and that of having a partner who had a plan B. In my case, what is now my ex-partner spoke of friends that only he knew and that he never introduced me to, he was always with his cell phone in his hand answering whatsapp and had many, many conversations with other women, which in itself is not a sign of anything wrong because everyone we can have as many friends as we wantregardless of gender.
The problem comes when you go one step further, and become romantically attached to someone and start flirting. If that friend crosses the line even with a girlfriend and flirts with you, you may be his cushion. In fact, in my case, on one occasion I caught my ex having a very risqué conversation with a coworker who, coincidentally or not, when she broke up with me she immediately became her partner.
It is true that the cushioning it is not infidelity, at least not in the terms of a sexual encounter -we already explained to you in detail that the emotional infidelity can be as serious as physical for some people – but if it is a constant fooling around that leaves the door open. Just in case.
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