I wish we lived in a world where words like slow fading not exists. But the truth is that terms like cricketing or the one that we are going to explain in detail today, they are becoming more and more common.
According to this research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships20% of those surveyed have done ghosting to a partner and 34% stated that they had suffered it. we tell you what is ghostingwhy are there people who do it and how to overcome it.
what is the ghosting
Although it seems like a new term, the truth is that it is not and Zygmunt Bauman already spoke of the ghosting in 2003 in his book liquid love. The term comes from the English word ghost“ghost” in Spanish, and it is a practice that more and more people suffer and that has nothing to do with the movie of Ghost (one of The best romantic movies to watch as a couple).
Liquid Love (Zygmunt Bauman Library)
He ghosting It is “the practice of stopping having communication or contact with a partner, friend or a person with whom one has effective responsibility without any prior warning” according to psychology. Thus, the ghosting It would be, broadly speaking, completely disappearing from a person’s life without telling them anything or notifying them that the relationship is ending. Make a smoke bomb and don’t appear anymore.
It is important to understand that he ghosting It does not refer only to relationshipsbut to anyone in which there is a certain degree of affective responsibility and whatever it may be, as explained by María Esclapez, psychologist, sexologist and couples therapist, in her book I love me, I love you.
I love myself, I love you: A guide to developing healthy relationships (and improving the ones you already have) (Bruguera Tendencies)
The friends with benefits they can also make us ghosting. A friend. Even a family member can make us go through this break in the relationship without prior notice. Any type of interpersonal relationship can suffer a ghosting.
According to A study from the University of Georgia referring to young adults, two out of three participants had done ghosting and they had also been victims of this practice on repeated occasions. The reason is surprising, according to study lead author Christina Leckfor: Respondents said they did it “because it’s easy, avoids confrontation, and seems more polite to you than a hard, up-front rejection.”
In fact, according to Miguel Hierro, psychologist of the Official College of Psychologists of Madrid “he ghosting arises because it is more comfortable not to face painful situations like having to say ‘I don’t want to see you anymore’. And this convenience is also typical of how relationships begin today in mobile applications or on social networks, where the level of responsibility is lower”. That is why it is becoming a toxic practice with more followers and more people suffering.
But although the people who do ghosting think that it is better than facing a break with affective responsibility, the truth is that it is just the opposite and the consequences of ghosting they are devastating for the sufferer.
What are the consequences of a ghosting
According to Maria Esclapez, the ghosting is a type of emotional abuse, and adds that “it is a passive-aggressive behavior, through which it is shown that the affective responsibility. It is a complete lack of respect, but a lack of respect associated with affective responsibility towards the other person.”
Beyond the fact that the person who suffers from it spends the day looking at the mobile to see if they have responded or follows the wall of silence, he ghosting According to experts, it causes low self-esteem, emotional dependence, anxiety and a decrease in confidence in those who suffer it, the result of considering over and over again what they could have done wrong for the other person to disappear. The answer to this question is nothing. if you suffer ghosting It’s not because of you, it’s because of the lack of affective responsibility of the person who provokes it.
As he explains the psychologist and sexologist Cristina Callao“he ghosting leaves the person uncertain as to what has happened and whether or not the relationship has ended, leaving him/her insecure and causing more prolonged pain for not knowing.” And he adds that “this way of” ending “a relationship leaves the other person distressed, insecure and ignored.”
It’s a much more painful and complicated breakupstill following the best tips to get over a break up.
what kind of person does ghosting and because
From the Center for Psychology and Psychiatry we are tangerineexplain that they do not believe that there is “a specific profile of a person predisposed to make ghosting nor to receive it. We also don’t think boys are more likely to do it than girls; that is It is not a question of gender but rather of way of being. Of principles, values, self-esteem…”.
The first thing we think of when we are victims of ghosting it is why the other person has done it. From world psychologists they affirm that who does ghosting They often avoid breakups or difficult conversations due to the anxiety that these situations bring them.
María Esclapez gives some more reasons in her book that can drive someone to do ghosting and carry out this harmful practice:
- Because is afraid of commitmenteither out of fear of being hurt emotionally if a bond of intimacy, emotional or affective proximity is established.
- Because does not understand the concept of affective responsibility Or you don’t know how to apply it.
- Because avoid facing situations that cause you discomfort.
- Because does not have the slightest interest in the relationship.
How to deal with a breakup without using the ghosting
Any of the psychologists you talk to will tell you the same thing: don’t do ghosting and make it clear to the other person that you have no interest in the relationship. Cristina Callao adds that “we should be clear with our intentions and make them clear, also, to the other person. Not doing so says more about the person who disappears than about the person who stays waiting.”
For her part, María Esclapez gives us some tips or examples of phrases that we can use if we want to break the relationship with another personsuch as “I really liked meeting you, but after the date I was thinking and I think we are looking for different things” or “I feel that with you I don’t have feeling with you, and I would like to be able to invest my time in meeting someone who does have it” or even “I don’t think we can be a couple in the future, but I really like you and, if you want, we could be friends and meet for a drink once in a while if we’re both comfortable with it.”
The most important thing in a healthy break is to respect each other, and communicating the break is the first and most important thing we should do with anyone with whom we have a relationship affective.
Keys to overcome ghosting
As we have already explained to you, the fact of being victims of ghosting It can cause us mental health problems such as anxiety and we can feel bad about ourselves for being the victims and having suffered this rejection.
“feel rejection activates our pain circuits because our brain identifies the connection with survival, hence when the person disappears, that connection is broken and it hurts us”, they explain in Somos Mandarina. If we add to this that when a ghosting there is no sensation of closure, the pain is even greater.
Still, the experts give us some keys to overcome ghosting:
Accept what happened
Accepting that the other person does not want to have more contact with you is more important than answering why they do not want to have it. Going around in circles to find out why she did it will only have negative effects on our self-esteem.
allow yourself to feel
They have made us believe that it is bad to be sad and the truth is that it is a necessary feeling to get to turn the page. And not just sadness, but also shame, depression, pain or any other feeling you have in that breakup.
tell someone you trust
Talking helps us process painful experiences according to the studiesso tell what happened to a friend, your brother, your mother or someone you trust.
don’t question yourself
As we have already explained to you before, it’s not your fault being a victim of ghosting. You haven’t done anything wrong. It is the other person who has no affective responsibility and has not been able to manage her emotions.
Don’t keep looking for the contact
Even if you think that knowing what happened is what will help you turn the page, the truth is that only acceptance works. Accept that this relationship is over and move on with your life.
Bet on self-care
We are talking about emotional and physical self-care, for example doing sports that reduce cortisol production, stress hormone. But also eating something delicious or watching that series that you like so much successionone of the best series on hbo. Take care of yourself.
Ask for help
If you think he ghosting it has affected you a lot, do not hesitate to ask for psychological help to get over it.
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Photos | Ghost, Levi Meir Clancy, Alexandra Sapozhnikova, Dustin Belt and Vladimir Fedotov in Unsplash
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