More and more terms appear (some frightening as the body count) related to having a partner who is here to stay. The idea of relationships through the years has changedalready our vocabulary adds words as hateful as the negging or the ghosting.
The pocketing The one we are talking about today is another one of those words that we wish did not exist, but that has been between us much longer than we think.
what is the pocketing
You start a relationship. Everything is fantastic, you talk at all hours and when you see each other it’s all wonderful. It seems that time stands still, butterflies run through your stomach but there is something that scales you: his reluctance to introduce you to his friends and family.
What Danny Zuko did with sandy in the film grease it’s just that, pocketing: They lived a wonderful summer love and as a couple and when they came back to reality, he hid it as if they weren’t together.
The pocketing it is a tendency in which one of the members of the couple avoids introducing her to his inner circle. A situation where the person you’re dating is avoiding or hesitant to introduce you to their friends, family, or other people they know, either in person or on social media, even though you’ve been dating for a while. Your relationship seems non-existent from the outside, like a secret.
Let’s put ourselves in situation. You go out with someone, everything is wonderful but your relationship is only behind closed doors, as if it did not exist for the rest of the world. His friends don’t know you exist (even less his family), you don’t show yourself as a couple when you go out (or you don’t even have plans beyond staying at home watching a movie) and in everyone’s eyes, your partner is still as single as he was, although be with you.
Why does my partner do me pocketing
For professional Rachel Perlstein, there is a key difference between waiting for the right moment to introduce your partner, and having your partner make you pocketing. “When you focus on building a relationship with a new partner, your intention is usually ewait until you know the person well on an individual level and like them enough to incorporate them into your social and family life“, explains to NBC. The pocketing instead it comes with the intention of “hiding the person you are dating and creating space and distance in the relationship”, and this can be motivated by different circumstances.
The reasons can be as simple as your partner is afraid that their family will not approve of the relationship, that they think you will not fit in, or that they are ashamed of their family. He may not have been honest with you and introducing you to his friends and family breaks that image he has created for you, or more simply, he believes that in a family or friendship environment you are going to discover what he is like and you are not going to like what you see (what happened to Danny with Sandy). You may also want to go slow, be afraid of previous experiences, or scared of committing.
According to psychologist Ana Jovanovic, in the worst case “there is the possibility that he is hiding you from someone else, be it an ex, someone he is dating or someone he hopes to date at some point.”
How to know if your partner makes you pocketing
Although it is somewhat complicated to detect, (not like the negging), there are some signs that can indicate that this is exactly what is happening, such as Jovanović explains.
- He never makes plans with other people. Not only does he not do them, he also runs away from the plans that you organize with other people and avoids even talking about them.
- There is always an excuse that prevents you from meeting your inner circle. “There is always an urgency to attend to, a reason why now is not a good time or the promise that you will meet them soon,” says Jovanovic, although spoiler: the time never comes.
- You only stay in your house or in his. No plans in the cute restaurant in your neighborhood, or walk through the park hand in hand or derivatives. Dates are always at home, where there is no chance of running into someone.
- They avoid talking about their friends and family and vice versa. In this way the topic slips even more, you are not curious to meet them and it lengthens in time what those who do fear so much pocketing. His family and friends, moreover, do not even know of your existence, as if you were just a ghost that sneaks into his bed and you do not exist outside the house.
- No trace of you on their social networks. Post what you eat in a restaurant, your daily gym selfie and twenty stories when you go out partying, but your partner has no trace of you in their profiles of social networks. In fact, your partner does not share your stories, removes tagged posts and you can not make shared posts with him or her.
- “She is a friend”. When by chance of fate you come across someone close to you, you are a friend or they simply introduce you with your first name. “This is Anabel”, without further ado.
What to do if your partner does not introduce you to his family and friends
The psychologist Iria Reguera already explained to us The importance of good communication as a couple, and in this case the formula applies exactly the same. We cannot read our partner’s mind and if we suspect that they are pocketing us, it is best to speak assertively and honestly with them.
you can start the conversation explaining how you feel and giving the person we’re with a chance to talkr why we don’t know his inner circle. If we are understanding, it is easier for our partner to open up and perhaps explain the fears that lead him to hide you.
It is possible that what happens is that our way of seeing relationships is different and clearly verbalizing what we want or need from our partner is essential. Maybe for you it is important but not for your partner. Having an honest talk where both partners explain where they want the relationship to go is important, just as Iria explained to us here.
And be clear about this: Giving up someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve is also a victory.so if you are looking for different things or if your partner is not being honest and that exceeds your limits, walking away is the best decision you can make with yourself.
Photos | grease, Marco Duarte, Toa Heftiba Y austin loveing in unsplash