We all carry emotional wounds from childhood that, in one way or another, interfere with how we relate to each other as adults. There are wounds that leave small scars and others that, however, are much deeper and determine our personal and work environment. Childhood wounds carry a mask that we use unconsciously and automatically to protect ourselves from the outside world. This is what coach María García assures, emphasizing that depending on what we suffer as children, we will act in a certain way later.
Betsy Espinoza, a clinical psychologist specializing in adults and couples, maintains that healing them does not mean making them disappear, but learn from them making peace with our past and taking responsibility for what happened in adulthood.
The important thing, in any case, is to recognize that they exist and identify them; realize how they affect us in our present to understand the need to face them. We analyze the five great wounds of childhood from the hand of two experts in the field:
1. Wound of abandonment
García states that the wound of abandonment is lived with the parent of the opposite sex: “These people do not feel cared for or protected by that figure in their childhood and that makes them grow up with many affective deficiencies, such as lack of attention, honey , security… which normally leads them to get into relationships based on dependency, hoping that person will cover those deficiencies that come from childhood. There may be real physical or emotional abandonment if the parent is distant, cold, or emotionally unavailable.
The main emotion of this wound is sadness and the greatest fear is loneliness. That is to say, they do whatever it takes to never feel abandoned or alone: ”Since they don’t feel that love, they believe they are not worthy of it, that they don’t deserve it, and that is why they grow up believing that they will not be able to protect themselves, or take charge of themselves They tend to be very negative and suffering people who assume the role of victim. please, if
they adapt and lose themselves in the other person. In their relationships they usually play the role of submissive and come to tolerate too much, as long as that person does not leave them, so as not to experience that abandonment again and connect with her greatest fear, being alone “.
2. Rejection wound
The rejection wound usually occurs with the parent of the same sex. García acknowledges that it is one of the most painful wounds since the rejection occurs towards oneself: “When this happens, the greatest desire is to disappear, since you don’t feel like someone valuable or enough. Let’s say you feel invisible and have nothing to contribute to the rest. Therefore, you strive to become a perfect being, believing that you will be accepted that way.”
Explain that these types of people are afraid of failure and do not tolerate making mistakes, they find it hard to set limits and they feel a great guilt every time they say “no” to someone: “They also have a hard time showing their feelings because they think that if they show them they will reject them.”
3. Wound of humiliation
“The wound of humiliation is very deep,” warns psychotherapist Betsy Espinoza. She explains to us what occurs in children when they feel that their parents ridicule or are ashamed of them. They can be with small details such as getting dirty, having his pants torn while he was playing… and they are often ridiculed in public.
In adulthood, therefore, the expert concludes that they cancel their needs and focus on pleasing those of others. They accept the harassment and feel inferior. Definitely, that guilt and shame they feel prevents them from accepting and caring for themselves.
4. Betrayal Wound
Espinoza warns that the wound of betrayal is formed when we feel that as children our parents or guardians did not keep their promises or they betrayed our trust. In addition, they think that it is better not to show their vulnerability so that others do not take advantage and control them.
In this scenario, when they become adults they live controlling everything that happens around them and they find themselves in hypervigilance steadily. They are very demanding in their relationships and tremendously distrustful. In short, it is a wound that is usually associated with abandonment.
5. Wound of injustice
The wound of injustice especially it is generated between 4 and 6 years. It is the consequence of cold and rigid parents who imposed an authoritarian and disrespectful education towards their children.
In this scenario, when the child reaches adulthood, he demands a lot of himself, believing that he is appreciated for what he does and not for what he is… or when he is only in a certain way. Conclusion, they find it difficult to commit and fear making mistakes. They also hide what they feel and find it difficult to express their emotions.
How to heal an emotional wound
Considering that our parents did the best they could, with the tools and resources they had, it would be counterproductive stay in victimhood and blame them all their lives.
“When we read that the wounds we live with our parents a feeling of resentment appearsout of resentment towards them, we blame them and I think it is important to clarify that parents do the best they can with the tools they have and they also have their wounds, that is why they pass them on to us and it is important to heal ours so as not to pass them on to the next generation,” explains García.
The experts consulted agree that we must take responsibility of what happened during childhood in adulthood and conclude that all emotional wounds of childhood can be healed.
“The ideal is to work with a professional specialized in the subject,” they say. And they emphasize that only by healing them can we live in freedom, choosing without chains or beliefs that harm and limit us.
Photos | Lady Bird, Matilda and Tonya.