Close your eyes and go back to Neverland. Do you remember Wendy? She is the girl who takes care of almost all the characters in the story. The one who is capable of doing what Peter Pan does not dare. She takes risks and responsibilities, but always stays in the background… she opens her eyes and comes back to real life. Does she ring a bell? Surely, if you are not yourself, one or several Wendys have come to mind.
Wendy is not a fairy tale character, she really exists, in psychological terms. She occurs, above all, in women and especially when motherhood arrives. According to this science, it is a syndrome marked by the education we have received. Ultimately, it is about a person who needs to be needed by another to care for to affirm their identity and value themselves.
In people who suffer from it, it is perceived as a absolute need to satisfy the other, mainly to the couple or children (forgetting herself). The latter is what is required to act due to the secondary problems, especially anxiety, that it can cause.
Characteristics of Wendy syndrome
The so-called “Wendy syndrome” was coined by psychologist Dan Kiley in 1984 to refer to people who act as a father or mother with their partner, friends or even with their own adult or adolescent children, freeing them from their own responsibilities.
“Wendy’s syndrome refers to the need to satisfy, care for and fulfill other people’s desires. This causes a spiral of self-destruction since you yourself are never your priority and it ends up falling into progressive self-denial”, explains López. These are its characteristics:
- Understand that love is, above all, serve the other and it feels good to establish these types of relationships.
- He is not concerned, at first, that others do not treat him in the same way. It is enough for him to know that his partner feels loved and that she is happy.
- He feels essential and tries to assume responsibilities for the other.
- Avoid conflicts so that your partner does not get angry don’t bother. He fights for the balance of others forgetting his own.
- You apologize or feel bad when things don’t go as planned, especially when it comes to your partner.
How can I get out of the problem
The psychologist Aurora López from Más Vida Psicologías helps us identify Wendy’s syndrome to understand its effects and learn to overcome it.
1. Dismantling the idea behind the syndrome
The person feels essential, feels that he is the one who should be in charge of doing things and feels a deep fear of rejection. “You tend to think that if we work hard for the other we will show that we love him and that way he will not leave us (either a partner, friend, child or any relative).
But a person can decide to leave you or move away from you at any time and without great reason. Constantly pleasing the other only manages to show him that ‘you are less’ and that there is no balanced relationshipwhich will bring problems in the relationship, “says López. This is something that also happens with friendships or between parents and children, generating a certain dependency that produces discomfort and leads us to blackmail.
2. Making a list of “excessive” behaviors on your part
“Namely, behaviors that show that there is no balance in care, attention, tasks, etc”, he explains. One option is to discuss them out loud, strike a balance to change patterns and offer different alternatives that are not based on seeking acceptance”.
The fear of being abandoned is an irrational idea. It is about understanding that you assume the responsibilities and tasks of others. But, above all, to break that emotional dependence that we place on others.
3.Practicing your personal rights
That is, learning to say “no”, setting limits and delegating tasks. In order to put a stop to it, the first thing is to remind ourselves and realize that we are acting in this way. That is, do an introspection to find our place.
“You have the right to change your mind, say no, act differently to how others expect, to be independent, not to take care of other people’s problems, to refuse a request. Everything is valid. Accept your emotions and love yourself, take care of yourself,” says the expert.
Disapproval and loss of affection is part of the cycle of life
López concludes that accepting disapproval and loss of affection throughout our lives is part of normality. He explains to us that taking care of others is wonderful, but beware of overdoing it and neglecting ourselves. Forget those beliefs of being essential to meet the needs of the environment.
In any case, he recommends that the best option is always to get in touch with a psychotherapist or psychologist to overcome what is underlying, which is the fear of rejection, and learn to know ourselves better in order to manage our emotions.
“The need to satisfy others is a step towards weak self-esteem and a lack of self-care. In addition, in Wend syndrome, we are accompanied by a curious self-delusion that is “I am happy like this, I like to take care of others and that gives me satisfaction”. It is a way of telling us that we do it of our own free will and not accept that, really, even if we are not aware, it is done for a reason. need for affection and a “safe” in the face of possible “abandonment” by loved ones.”
If you have identified yourself as Wendy, the work to get out of there is to start acknowledging that we act as such (and that nothing happens to recognize it, we are human). Try to see what happens if you let yourself be loved and cared for a little bit, because there’s nothing wrong with asking for a mojito to be brought to the pool…
Photos | Discovering Neverland